Dead Pope Sketch
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean “miss”?
Mr. Praline: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this pope that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Polish Grey…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead pope when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable pope, the Polish Grey, idn’it, ay? Beautiful Pallium!
Mr. Praline: The Pallium don’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the pope) ‘Ello, Mister Popey Paul! I’ve got a lovely fresh communion wafer for you if you
(owner hits the pope)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything…
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO POPEY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Takes pope out of the cage and thumps his head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that’s what I call a dead pope.
Owner: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Polish Greys stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That pope is definitely deceased, and when I purchased him not ‘alf an hour
ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged mass.
Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?
Owner: The Polish Grey prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable pope, id’nit, squire? Lovely Pallium!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that pope when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in the popemobile in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, o’course he was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that pope down, he would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ‘em apart with its godly strength, and
Mr. Praline: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this pope wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!
Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!
Mr. Praline: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This pope is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e
rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the popemobile ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the
bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-POPE!!
Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh,
we’re right out of popes.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug.
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
Owner: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
/still going to hell