OK, I’ve had enough with these moron tourists coming to our city and not understanding the rules of the road. Driving in Savannah is simple, and, luckily, very low-speed. It is important to stay aware of where you are and where you are going. Here are some basic rules to help:
First rule: No parking on the actual roadway. I know, it may seem odd that people need a reminder for something so logical. But, we have an abundance of idiot men and their fat wives who want to eat at Lady and Sons, and park on Whittaker Street to spare their fat wives the opportunity for a bit of pre-meal caloric burning. Here’s a tip to you idiot men and your fat wives: park your freaking car and walk. There is no need to force people to shift lanes on a 35mph road in a heavy pedestrian traffic area just to spare your wife the minimal physical activity required to hoof it from a parking spot to the restaurant.
Second rule: No waiting for parkers. If someone is parked in the square, and they are backing out, do not– I repeat– do not wait for them. When you do, traffic backs up in all directions very fast. It makes you look like a moron, and makes the traffic behind you fully aware of this fact.
Third rule: Hotdog stands are for pedestrians. They are not drive-thrus. Do not– again I repeat– do not park your car in front of the hotdog stand. If you do, I can only hope that the hotdog gods show you no mercy.
Fourth rule: If you are a delivery driver, do not park on our sidewalks. It is bad enough that we are forced to look at your bright bright bright drop-off boxes littering our whole city. There is no need for you to park on our sidewalks that are older than all of your delivery companies combined. We have alleys behind every street– use them. Park your damn truck in the alley, and walk around the building. If you don’t like walking around the building, look for a new job.
Fifth rule: Yield for pedestrians in the crosswalk, not impatient looking pedestrians on the side of the road who look like they are ready to jump in front of your car. If you consistently stop for pedestrians who do not have the right of way, then the only way these pedestrians will learn that cars actually have the right of way is for me to hit them. Please don’t make me hit pedestrians because you find it necessary to cede your right of way to people who do not have the right of way. Only exception: Waiting for pedestrians when it is raining out. After all, do you enjoy standing in the rain waiting to cross the street while person after person drives by in their environmentally isolated pod?
Sixth rule: Pass the horses. It seems to be obvious to me. If you are in a car (80+ horsepower) and you are behind a carriage (2 horsepower– literally), you have the upper hand in terms of acceleration, top speed, and maneuverability. You should use that to your advantage and demonstrate that your IQ is higher than your gas mileage by passing the slow-moving horses. If you are unsure whether or not your car will fit in the gap that is almost certainly big enough to hold your car, please simply pull over into a parking spot, turn off your engine, place your hands on your steering wheel, and wait for a member of Savannah’s opportunistic youth to come rob you or shoot you.
Seventh rule: For pedestrians– do not use your dogs or your children to secure your right of way as a pedestrian. If you want to cross the street, then cross the street. Do not let your dog take a large lead on your retractable leash and enter the roadway, and do not push your stroller into traffic with the impression that traffic will stop before hitting your baby. Nobody wants to hit your kids or your pets, but when you march them into traffic, they become targets. Some people try to avoid them; some people try to hit them. Some people are so stupid they don’t even see them. Why risk it? Just stand your lazy ass on the corner and take in the beauty of our city.
Lastly, not a rule, but a rule of thumb: Florida drivers are the worst in the world, especially those from Volusia county. They suck more than an Orrick Excel. They are dumber than a Greenzap member (geek joke alert!). They are slower than Wal-Mart employees… on a hot day… on the weekend…. in the South… after the sweet tea has run dry. Come on global warming, rising ocean levels, wildfires, and hurricanes! Come on mother nature, show people what you’re really made of and return Georgia’s southern coast to its former glory!
I’ve got a lot more to say on this. I am currently in the process of assembling a “How to drive in Savannah” guide for all the idiot tourists who come down here and have a hard time connecting two thoughts together. Yeah, I know, it’s freaking hot down here. If you don’t like it or it makes it so you are unable to function at an intelligible level, I suggest you pick a different vacation spot.